another case for mulder and scully

Lately I've been asking the same question--from the last genuine days of being drunk, to the dreamy first time I kissed her, to the day of my overdue graduation, to the day I bid farewell to bumnation and acceptable craziness and welcomed myself to the "real" world, how much have I grown? Really?

And with this dogging my invaluable spare time, I find myself asking more questions, which in turn leads to more thinking (something I'm not much in favor of recently since it forces me to the brink of profound foolishness, paranoia laced with doubt, and fluctuations of madness).

If only I could push the thoughts, the frustrations, the fear, and everything bad in one giant scream... but that's just plain stupid now, right?

So here I am. In dire attempt to write once again (or at least force the illusion of it), sounding drunk and incoherent rambling about indefinite and atrociously vain "somethings".

Maybe I need to lighten up. Be less and less tight on myself. Stop the self-deprecation and once again go with the flow. Yep, now I remember how I was back then, laid-back and relaxed, unattached, fearless of things that are to come.

But things...things just couldn't be as simple as those days anymore. "Things would never the same," was what I said back then when the days suddenly started to feel fast and restless and surreal. And back then I didn't care.

Anyway, it feels as if I have this imaginary organization in my head that formulates hypothetical situations staging my demise. No matter how hard I try to be optimistic a part of me would always give me bigger list of things that could go wrong, always contradicting and somehow sounding more like reality.

...
...

Know what... The part of me that I missed the most, the part that somehow got left behind along the other shore some one a half year ago, tells me that I should just go with it, that I shouldn't think about things too much. That I shouldn't try too hard to answer every question or doubt that I have. That I should just try to enjoy every bit of time working, being alone, being paranoid, being insecure, being stupid and foolish, and especially being with her... even if things would never be the same again.